#10: It is Good to be Me!!

I said I would share about the life of a competitive twin. Yes, we were competitive, but only in the sense that I was always wanting to be as good as my sister. It wasn't something that my parents caused or overlooked, I remember many times my mom encouraging me that I was different than Rebecca, was doing fine, etc. This was all something I placed on myself, and, I think, not always consciously. Becca would always read faster, and thus read more books than me. She would always score slightly higher on any test, get better grades, etc. Now, lest you feel sorry for me... don't!!! Me thinking I didn't do as good as Becca meant I received a 92% to her 98%.... I am simply talking about the difference between an "A" and and "A+"!!! Yikes!!!

It is amazing how distance and time places a whole new perspective on this. I did well in school, read many interesting books, had a great and dynamic social life, and a committed relationship, all through high school and college!!! Yet it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I really put all this to rest. Several events helped me gain perspective. I read this line in a book that basically said "don't define your life by your failures." I gasped when I read this, that was me!!! That is what I do!!! I never thought that there was another way of defining your life!!! Yikes!!!

The really crucial point came in a conversation with two close friends in a lovely time-share in Avila Beach. (More about this in another post.... details to come...) The statement that sealed the deal??? "Brenda, you are not your sister, you are you." The light finally came on. All this time I had thought I didn't succeed because I didn't reach my sister's standard. I guess I unconsciously thought that since we were twins, I should be able to do everything she could do, and when I didn't, it was because of some short-coming on my part. I was amazed by the sense of.... I don't know.... relief maybe. Relief that I hadn't screwed up my whole life, relief that I had been a good Brenda... that I didn't need to try to be a Rebecca.

I am being a bit dramatic..I know, no surprise there!! Logically, I know I have a good life, I have done good things, I have gotten good grades. It just never felt like enough. I also know that this drive for perfection is deceptive, based on the premise that I, a sinful human being, could somehow be perfect. No, I never can, I need my Savior to even want to be good. I need His Spirit alive in me, so that I can evidence His fruit. I feel like I lived life looking through a lens that was not quite focused, and now, that focus is clearer. I know it will never be clear this side of Heaven, but I am thankful for the freedom and healing that this better-focused lens has brought, and will continue to bring.

So, as a teacher, I ask you. Who is your twin?? What is the standard that you compare yourself to? It is so easy to forget the words of Paul "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God".

I am still working through all this...thanks for listening!!