so much to say....

...my brain has been on overtime lately... maybe it would have helped to blog??? I guess I just needed feedback from a friend... not to simply journal.... so I went to a friend's house and unloaded... what a great friend!!! Thanks God!!!

I guess I see blogging as a way to connect with friends and a way to share pictures with friends and family. The teacher in me loves to share the lessons I am learning... or re-learning... so as to encourage those of you who share my struggles!!! I learn so much from the blogs I read... just little things like having a different perspective on a situation... or the reminder of how valuable friends are... or how to delight in your children... I forget that too often!!

If I am really overwhelmed... I feel funny sharing it here... I need a response... from a face-to-face conversation.... so I guess that is my reason for not blogging. I think if I did... then yikes!!! I would have exploded and you all would be afraid to ever read my blog again!!!

So... the lesson to be learned... what my brain has mostly been full of... is what to do about the obstacles to enjoying the story.... the things that rob me of the joy of living, of delighting in my life, my family, my friends. May I suggest making your own list?? Here is mine:

1. Wanting keep my house picked up and clean... and wanting that to be a finished job!! When will I learn that it is a process and success looks like keeping up the routine, so the task isn't so overwhelming? It isn't a task that can be checked off the list... as if I could say, "Oh good, the laundry is done! I won't have to worry about that for a while!" What am I looking for??? My children and husband to wear the same thing for a few days....hmm... scary thought!!!
2. Frustration with Anna and Dillon. I have been re-thinking our parenting strategy. This is a big one for me right now... and I am not sure how to phrase it... except to say that the way my perfectionist-black-and-white personality lived out a more traditional time-out/occasionally-spank-in love parenting strategy caused a lot of frustration and anger on my part… and on theirs too. I think I finally decided that I had been operating on the idea that if Anna and Dillon did not obey, then something was wrong with them... or with me... and it needed to be fixed. My friend... sister's friend originally (thanks for sharing!! =) ) told me about graced-base discipline. As I read a few articles I found that this strategy.... or... how I interpreted this strategy... operated more from the base that Anna and Dillon... and in reality everyone... are still learning to obey... to love each other... to be grateful and not greedy.... and if I can creatively encourage them down that path to Christ-like living... I can often avoid an angry confrontation. I don't know if that makes sense.... I could write pages and pages... but one example is: instead of saying "open your mouth now so I can brush your teeth”, I now say, “Mr. Toothbrush is hungry and wants to eat all the dirt and germs off your teeth”, followed by sounds of a really hungry toothbrush enjoying his dinner. I used to think that was letting them off the hook somehow… being too permissive. Now I see it as an essential tool in discipline. I still reserve the right to use time-out/spank for really serious issues… but that will be on rare occasions… and after a lot of thinking/praying. I haven’t figured it all out… but I am thankful to say that I am a lot calmer and life is so delightful right now!! Even when Anna and Dillon require lots of energy… it is a positive outlook, instead of negative. I think a lot of moms naturally parent in this way… I need a lot of help!!! I could go on and on with all the thoughts that have centered on this topic….but time permits…
3. The fact that I haven’t ran regularly in over a month. This one I have to let go… at least the idea of the Long Beach half. A more manageable goal is to establish a discipline of running, and then to stay there…. and then maybe to think about signing up for a run. Sometimes it comes down to running or Bible-study… and I want to pick Bible study… especially now that my afternoons have been filled with prep for Biola.

So I feel like I am learning to be more gracious... which is amazing because that has been my prayer for the past 5 years... that is why we gave Anna her name... it means grace. We know we struggle with that and wanted to be remined of our prayer, and want Anna to exhibt grace. I am confident that God will answer that prayer.... I have often witnessed a special sensitivity to others in Anna... not all the time... but in special moments. So, I am hopeful of the future!!! God is good!!!